Regrets

It has been a long time since I last posted something on my blog. I have been busy, for both good and bad reasons. Good because I have been spending a lot of time with someone special, and bad because I started a new job four months ago that has taken up too much of my time, and is slowly eating away at my soul (if you would allow me to be a little melodramatic).

So, in a few days we will mark the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010. Friends of mine have this excellent tradition of writing down, reading aloud and then burning our most significant regrets of the past year. Everyone gets three regrets. Last year, I participated in this tradition for the first time, and found it extremely cathartic and just generally a lot of fun (mostly because of the company - these friends are particularly funny and warm).

As I think about what my regrets for this year, I am happy to say that I am having a bit of difficulty.

The obvious regret is that I regret taking this job. Not so much because of the long hours, but more because one of the reasons for deciding to let my dog live with his other "parent" was the time my work was taking away from him. This Christmas was the first Christmas without him in 8 years, and I really missed him. I know he is happy in his new home, and that his other "parent" is an excellent "parent", but selfishly, he is a joy to have around and I missed him. There was nothing for him from me to chew on under the tree this year....and there were no long walks in the snow to walk off the big dinners.

I have had a lot of blessings this year and I am very thankful for them, so I think I will keep my regrets this year to just the one, because any other meager regret that I may have would only take away from the value of this first one.

The Law of Conservation

Matter cannot be created nor destroyed. This is a basic scientific concept that we learn in Grade 9 Science class. The Law of Conservation. Everything exists in one form or another, nothing is lost forever.

Sometimes things change so drastically that we can no longer see them, and all we can do is mourn the loss. Like water that turns to vapour, and all we are left with is our unquenched thirst.

On the other hand, sometimes things that matter to us change and come back to us in a form that looks nothing like it was, but we can still recognize them. They look different and are different, but they don't cease to matter.

I am fortunate to have lost something that once really mattered to me, and even more fortunate to be able to see and appreciate its new form, without mourning what it was, but instead honouring what it was.

It was good, and remains good. It mattered and still matters, just not in the same way.

Matter cannot be created nor destroyed.

I am grateful for this law...but not as grateful as I am for the new "matter" in my life...I am truly lucky.

Silence is not golden

I didn't realize how many sounds made up the peace and quiet that I have become accustomed to.

Making Room

I have limited closet space, so every season I have to switch over my closet to the current season, at which time I do a bit of editing. I pull out last year's pieces and assess whether I still like them, and if they still "fit" me at that particular moment - figuratively, since I rarely fluctuate sizes.

This season, I pulled out my spring/summer "stuff" and had to edit some pieces that literally do not fit me today - in a good way. So, as a result, I have made more room in my closet than I normally would have made. More room for new "stuff"...better "stuff".

This is a good thing, in a figurative way.

Tell Me Something

Do you ever get the feeling that the Universe is trying to tell you something? Nothing too specific, like, "on Wednesday at 2 pm, buy a lottery ticket from the guy in the green golf shirt at the 7-11 on the corner of Main and Sesame Street." Instead, more like it is trying to say, "yo, what you are doing now, is what you should be doing now."

I get this feeling sometimes, and it feels pretty damn good.

le non-dit

There is a lot to be said for le non-dit...things that are left unsaid.

It is because these words can be left unsaid that makes them much more nicer to hear when they are said à haute voix.

There is a lot to be said for le non-dit.

Judgement Day

During the past week or so, two of my girlfriends asked me to "not judge them" while telling me of a decision they had just taken.

Friend #1 has decided to have some minor plastic surgery done. An Aside: Why do we call it plastic surgery, her surgery involved zero plastic (and zero saline or silicone for that matter -- for those of you who automatically thought she had a boob job). En tout cas, this friend of mine has gone through a lot of self-improvement (I hate this word) over the past couple of years, after ending a marriage that wasn't all that bad, but more importantly, wasn't all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.

Friend #2 has decided to have a little bit of fun, while on vacation somewhere hot where the men speak spanish. Sounds like a good place to have fun, if you were to ask me. This friend of mine has also gone through a lot of self-improvement (did I mention that I hate this word?) over the past couple of years, after letting go of a would-be marriage that wasn't going to be all that bad, but more importantly wasn't going to be all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.

Both of these women decided to tell only a few select friends of their recent decisions, in fear of being judged. This is the reason for writing this post.

Why do we sometimes judge our friends and make them feel bad for decisions they have taken? Why do we feel that we need to give our two cents, when our friends are actually rich enough? So what if we wouldn't make the same decisions? Nobody asked us to. We are all different people, at different places in our lives. We all have our scars, many of which we hide from each other, and we all have different needs and vices. We need to respect that.

So, here is my interpretation of why these two friends have taken their respective decisions:

• Friend #1: She changed something about her outside-self as a symbol of all of the positive changes she has made to her inside-self. Now, she can physically see an improvement, to validate all that she could only feel. We have five senses, why not use them all?
• Friend #2: She is a serial monogamer at heart, she wants the husband and 2.5 kids -- and she will be great at it. She has had some hopes of that life fade even though she tried very hard to maintain total control and play by the rules. What she was doing was not working, so maybe she needed to let go and play by no rules in order to gain some control. She is alive and young, so why not live a little?
  

I think that we should always try to 'be there' for our friends when they want us to 'be there', and sometimes 'being there' means just listening and smiling...

...and reminding them "no glove, no love"...safety first! :-)