It has been a long time since I last posted something on my blog. I have been busy, for both good and bad reasons. Good because I have been spending a lot of time with someone special, and bad because I started a new job four months ago that has taken up too much of my time, and is slowly eating away at my soul (if you would allow me to be a little melodramatic).
So, in a few days we will mark the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010. Friends of mine have this excellent tradition of writing down, reading aloud and then burning our most significant regrets of the past year. Everyone gets three regrets. Last year, I participated in this tradition for the first time, and found it extremely cathartic and just generally a lot of fun (mostly because of the company - these friends are particularly funny and warm).
As I think about what my regrets for this year, I am happy to say that I am having a bit of difficulty.
The obvious regret is that I regret taking this job. Not so much because of the long hours, but more because one of the reasons for deciding to let my dog live with his other "parent" was the time my work was taking away from him. This Christmas was the first Christmas without him in 8 years, and I really missed him. I know he is happy in his new home, and that his other "parent" is an excellent "parent", but selfishly, he is a joy to have around and I missed him. There was nothing for him from me to chew on under the tree this year....and there were no long walks in the snow to walk off the big dinners.
I have had a lot of blessings this year and I am very thankful for them, so I think I will keep my regrets this year to just the one, because any other meager regret that I may have would only take away from the value of this first one.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Law of Conservation
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed. This is a basic scientific concept that we learn in Grade 9 Science class. The Law of Conservation. Everything exists in one form or another, nothing is lost forever.
Sometimes things change so drastically that we can no longer see them, and all we can do is mourn the loss. Like water that turns to vapour, and all we are left with is our unquenched thirst.
On the other hand, sometimes things that matter to us change and come back to us in a form that looks nothing like it was, but we can still recognize them. They look different and are different, but they don't cease to matter.
I am fortunate to have lost something that once really mattered to me, and even more fortunate to be able to see and appreciate its new form, without mourning what it was, but instead honouring what it was.
It was good, and remains good. It mattered and still matters, just not in the same way.
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed.
I am grateful for this law...but not as grateful as I am for the new "matter" in my life...I am truly lucky.
Sometimes things change so drastically that we can no longer see them, and all we can do is mourn the loss. Like water that turns to vapour, and all we are left with is our unquenched thirst.
On the other hand, sometimes things that matter to us change and come back to us in a form that looks nothing like it was, but we can still recognize them. They look different and are different, but they don't cease to matter.
I am fortunate to have lost something that once really mattered to me, and even more fortunate to be able to see and appreciate its new form, without mourning what it was, but instead honouring what it was.
It was good, and remains good. It mattered and still matters, just not in the same way.
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed.
I am grateful for this law...but not as grateful as I am for the new "matter" in my life...I am truly lucky.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Silence is not golden
I didn't realize how many sounds made up the peace and quiet that I have become accustomed to.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Making Room
I have limited closet space, so every season I have to switch over my closet to the current season, at which time I do a bit of editing. I pull out last year's pieces and assess whether I still like them, and if they still "fit" me at that particular moment - figuratively, since I rarely fluctuate sizes.
This season, I pulled out my spring/summer "stuff" and had to edit some pieces that literally do not fit me today - in a good way. So, as a result, I have made more room in my closet than I normally would have made. More room for new "stuff"...better "stuff".
This is a good thing, in a figurative way.
This season, I pulled out my spring/summer "stuff" and had to edit some pieces that literally do not fit me today - in a good way. So, as a result, I have made more room in my closet than I normally would have made. More room for new "stuff"...better "stuff".
This is a good thing, in a figurative way.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tell Me Something
Do you ever get the feeling that the Universe is trying to tell you something? Nothing too specific, like, "on Wednesday at 2 pm, buy a lottery ticket from the guy in the green golf shirt at the 7-11 on the corner of Main and Sesame Street." Instead, more like it is trying to say, "yo, what you are doing now, is what you should be doing now."
I get this feeling sometimes, and it feels pretty damn good.
I get this feeling sometimes, and it feels pretty damn good.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
le non-dit
There is a lot to be said for le non-dit...things that are left unsaid.
It is because these words can be left unsaid that makes them much more nicer to hear when they are said à haute voix.
There is a lot to be said for le non-dit.
It is because these words can be left unsaid that makes them much more nicer to hear when they are said à haute voix.
There is a lot to be said for le non-dit.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Judgement Day
During the past week or so, two of my girlfriends asked me to "not judge them" while telling me of a decision they had just taken.
Friend #1 has decided to have some minor plastic surgery done. An Aside: Why do we call it plastic surgery, her surgery involved zero plastic (and zero saline or silicone for that matter -- for those of you who automatically thought she had a boob job). En tout cas, this friend of mine has gone through a lot of self-improvement (I hate this word) over the past couple of years, after ending a marriage that wasn't all that bad, but more importantly, wasn't all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.
Friend #2 has decided to have a little bit of fun, while on vacation somewhere hot where the men speak spanish. Sounds like a good place to have fun, if you were to ask me. This friend of mine has also gone through a lot of self-improvement (did I mention that I hate this word?) over the past couple of years, after letting go of a would-be marriage that wasn't going to be all that bad, but more importantly wasn't going to be all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.
Both of these women decided to tell only a few select friends of their recent decisions, in fear of being judged. This is the reason for writing this post.
Why do we sometimes judge our friends and make them feel bad for decisions they have taken? Why do we feel that we need to give our two cents, when our friends are actually rich enough? So what if we wouldn't make the same decisions? Nobody asked us to. We are all different people, at different places in our lives. We all have our scars, many of which we hide from each other, and we all have different needs and vices. We need to respect that.
So, here is my interpretation of why these two friends have taken their respective decisions:
...and reminding them "no glove, no love"...safety first! :-)
Friend #1 has decided to have some minor plastic surgery done. An Aside: Why do we call it plastic surgery, her surgery involved zero plastic (and zero saline or silicone for that matter -- for those of you who automatically thought she had a boob job). En tout cas, this friend of mine has gone through a lot of self-improvement (I hate this word) over the past couple of years, after ending a marriage that wasn't all that bad, but more importantly, wasn't all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.
Friend #2 has decided to have a little bit of fun, while on vacation somewhere hot where the men speak spanish. Sounds like a good place to have fun, if you were to ask me. This friend of mine has also gone through a lot of self-improvement (did I mention that I hate this word?) over the past couple of years, after letting go of a would-be marriage that wasn't going to be all that bad, but more importantly wasn't going to be all that great. She has grown and matured a lot, and I am very proud of her.
Both of these women decided to tell only a few select friends of their recent decisions, in fear of being judged. This is the reason for writing this post.
Why do we sometimes judge our friends and make them feel bad for decisions they have taken? Why do we feel that we need to give our two cents, when our friends are actually rich enough? So what if we wouldn't make the same decisions? Nobody asked us to. We are all different people, at different places in our lives. We all have our scars, many of which we hide from each other, and we all have different needs and vices. We need to respect that.
So, here is my interpretation of why these two friends have taken their respective decisions:
- Friend #1: She changed something about her outside-self as a symbol of all of the positive changes she has made to her inside-self. Now, she can physically see an improvement, to validate all that she could only feel. We have five senses, why not use them all?
- Friend #2: She is a serial monogamer at heart, she wants the husband and 2.5 kids -- and she will be great at it. She has had some hopes of that life fade even though she tried very hard to maintain total control and play by the rules. What she was doing was not working, so maybe she needed to let go and play by no rules in order to gain some control. She is alive and young, so why not live a little?
...and reminding them "no glove, no love"...safety first! :-)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Une Parisienne
I have a friend who is going to live in Paris for a few months. She is going there to be inspired and write like many famous writers have done in this great City of Light.
She wants to discover all that Paris has to offer, and hopefully discover a lot of herself in doing so. I am envious and proud of her at the same time.
She is a mother of two and a wife to boot. Above it all though, she is a young and dynamic woman. Paris is for her.
I can't wait to meet her when she gets back.
I wish her safe travels and beaucoup du courage et de l'inspiration.
She wants to discover all that Paris has to offer, and hopefully discover a lot of herself in doing so. I am envious and proud of her at the same time.
She is a mother of two and a wife to boot. Above it all though, she is a young and dynamic woman. Paris is for her.
I can't wait to meet her when she gets back.
I wish her safe travels and beaucoup du courage et de l'inspiration.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Found Words
I came across some of my old journals, and in them I found poems that I had written almost a decade ago...These are two of them:
Untitled #1
I remember those cherished nights
When you roamed my body
As if claiming what was always yours.
When your eyes preyed upon me
Drowning me in your Pacific blue.
I cannot forget those cherished nights.
You prowl through my darkest dreams.
The smell of your skin invades me still.
You take from me, what I cannot give,
Intoxicating me, rapturing me.
I remember those cherished nights,
As I am drenched with distance
And stripped of time.
Remember those nights, remember me then
In silence I love, in silence I'm lost.
Untitled #2
One day I closed my eyes
And reached out my hand
To find you there, waiting for me.
Today I opened my eyes
And closed my heart
So that my tears would blind me,
As I watched you walk away.
And this, is one of my favorite poems by Czeslaw Milosz:
INCANTATION
Human reason is beautiful and invincible.
No bars, no barbed wire, no pulping of books,
No sentence of banishment can prevail against it.
It establishes the universal ideas in language,
And guides our hand so we write Truth and Justice
With capital letters, lie and oppression with small.
It puts what should be above things as they are,
Is an enemy of despair and a friend of hope.
It does not know Jew from Greek or slave from master,
Giving us the estate of the world to manage.
It saves austere and transparent phrases
From the filthy discord of tortured words.
It says that everything is new under the sun,
Opens the congealed fist of the past.
Beautiful and very young are Philo-Sophia
And poetry, her ally in the service of the good.
As late as yesterday Nature celebrated their birth,
The news was brought to the mountains by a unicorn and an echo.
Their friendship will be glorious, their time has no limit.
Their enemies have delivered themselves to destruction.
Czeslaw Milosz, 1968
Untitled #1
I remember those cherished nights
When you roamed my body
As if claiming what was always yours.
When your eyes preyed upon me
Drowning me in your Pacific blue.
I cannot forget those cherished nights.
You prowl through my darkest dreams.
The smell of your skin invades me still.
You take from me, what I cannot give,
Intoxicating me, rapturing me.
I remember those cherished nights,
As I am drenched with distance
And stripped of time.
Remember those nights, remember me then
In silence I love, in silence I'm lost.
Untitled #2
One day I closed my eyes
And reached out my hand
To find you there, waiting for me.
Today I opened my eyes
And closed my heart
So that my tears would blind me,
As I watched you walk away.
And this, is one of my favorite poems by Czeslaw Milosz:
INCANTATION
Human reason is beautiful and invincible.
No bars, no barbed wire, no pulping of books,
No sentence of banishment can prevail against it.
It establishes the universal ideas in language,
And guides our hand so we write Truth and Justice
With capital letters, lie and oppression with small.
It puts what should be above things as they are,
Is an enemy of despair and a friend of hope.
It does not know Jew from Greek or slave from master,
Giving us the estate of the world to manage.
It saves austere and transparent phrases
From the filthy discord of tortured words.
It says that everything is new under the sun,
Opens the congealed fist of the past.
Beautiful and very young are Philo-Sophia
And poetry, her ally in the service of the good.
As late as yesterday Nature celebrated their birth,
The news was brought to the mountains by a unicorn and an echo.
Their friendship will be glorious, their time has no limit.
Their enemies have delivered themselves to destruction.
Czeslaw Milosz, 1968
Monday, March 2, 2009
Danser - to dance
A special friend of mine recently loaned me a book of short stories written by a famous literary giant. One of these stories touched me in a way that I was maybe not ready for. The ideas, fears and emotions expressed in this story paralleled a little too much of my recent past. At the end of reading this story my initial reaction was regret for having read it, and yet I was strangely compelled to read it again. At the end of reading this story for the second time my reaction was regret for not having read it earlier. Progress.
Sometimes I tend to avoid things, en disant that "it isn't the right time". The more I grow and experience, the more I realize that the world in which I choose to live does not have to march to my beat, but instead, I need to find my own rhythm between the beats around me.
I have not always had the best rhythm, but as time goes on, I become more willing to dance anyways. Progress.
Sometimes I tend to avoid things, en disant that "it isn't the right time". The more I grow and experience, the more I realize that the world in which I choose to live does not have to march to my beat, but instead, I need to find my own rhythm between the beats around me.
I have not always had the best rhythm, but as time goes on, I become more willing to dance anyways. Progress.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am an observer
Observation #1: There exist people who are better at observing than
me.
Observation #2: I enjoy observing them.
me.
Observation #2: I enjoy observing them.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Change
Change happens. Yesterday ends and today begins with only a second between them. This weekend we saw Friday the 13th morph into Valentine's Day with a blink of an eye or perhaps a kiss on the lips (for those lucky few).
Change happens. Sometimes too quickly, sometimes too long and painfully...but in the end it happens. We can choose to take the ride, or we can choose to stand by and watch others raise their arms and scream down the hill. Sometimes we get bruised and sometimes our muscles ache, but in the end we still have the ride.
Change happens. We get older, we lose friends, we gain friends, some friends become lovers and some lovers become friends.
If it seems too scary, just close your eyes and carry some chapstick.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sister-friends
Yesterday, I had an impromptu visit with a girlfriend whom I have grown to cherish. We shared a glass of wine (or was it two?), we talked, we laughed, we shared stories and somehow I managed to leave with a heartful of good advice and encouragement.
Today, I had a long and leisurely lunch with another girlfriend whom I have grown to cherish. We shared a bottle of wine, we talked, we laughed, we shared stories and somehow I managed to leave with a heartful of good advice and encouragement.
I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would hope that we would be the proud proprietors of a vineyard somewhere...a venture born out of good economics.
Dear sister-friends...Merci.
Today, I had a long and leisurely lunch with another girlfriend whom I have grown to cherish. We shared a bottle of wine, we talked, we laughed, we shared stories and somehow I managed to leave with a heartful of good advice and encouragement.
I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would hope that we would be the proud proprietors of a vineyard somewhere...a venture born out of good economics.
Dear sister-friends...Merci.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Introduction
Hello there,
I feel that I need to start my new blog with a formal introduction...it seems like the right thing to do.
So, I am Me and you are?...You...but of course!...it is a pleasure to meet you.
I decided to create this blog so that I would have a place to house some of my random thoughts...yes, I could have just bought a journal, or written my thoughts on some scrap pieces of paper (des feuilles de brouillon) but I recently lost my little Mont Blanc pen, given to me by a special person, and in mourning of said pen and said person (we lost each other), I am choosing to use this medium instead.
As a bonus, I am hoping that putting my thoughts "out there" may prove to be a cathartic experience and who couldn't use more of those?
So, here we are, my very first post on my very first blog...Welcome! Bienvenue!
P.S. I am currently learning the lovely language of the French people (a.k.a French)...so, there will be un peu de francais thrown in au hasard.
I feel that I need to start my new blog with a formal introduction...it seems like the right thing to do.
So, I am Me and you are?...You...but of course!...it is a pleasure to meet you.
I decided to create this blog so that I would have a place to house some of my random thoughts...yes, I could have just bought a journal, or written my thoughts on some scrap pieces of paper (des feuilles de brouillon) but I recently lost my little Mont Blanc pen, given to me by a special person, and in mourning of said pen and said person (we lost each other), I am choosing to use this medium instead.
As a bonus, I am hoping that putting my thoughts "out there" may prove to be a cathartic experience and who couldn't use more of those?
So, here we are, my very first post on my very first blog...Welcome! Bienvenue!
P.S. I am currently learning the lovely language of the French people (a.k.a French)...so, there will be un peu de francais thrown in au hasard.
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